My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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