My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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