he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My breasts were aching with rage.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
