A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
