woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
