apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
