oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
