When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
