why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
