took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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