Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize