Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
