i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
