I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
