I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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