Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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