I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
