Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
