peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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