They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
