I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
