Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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