she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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