I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
