I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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