My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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