One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
