I've blown a few things in my day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
