i always forget guys have bellybuttons
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
