Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize