I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
