the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
