if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
