Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
