I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
