Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
