I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
