TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
