I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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