weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize