Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
