I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Randomize
