needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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