she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
