i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
