Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
