Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
