My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
