u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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