i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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