Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
