My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
do nipples grow back?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
