That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
