and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
