I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize