I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
