am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize