She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
