She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
