just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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