If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
