i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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