I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize