Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
