Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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