lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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