I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
