Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
