How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
