I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
