Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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